


A Life Apart

by BornToFly02



Series: Alec's Numbers [5]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Has Self-Worth Issues, Background Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Depressed Alec Lightwood, Gen, Good Brother Rafael Lightwood-Bane, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lightwood-Banes Being a Family, Max Lightwood-Bane Needs A Hug, Parents Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Protective Rafael Lightwood-Bane, Self-Harming Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:48:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24325294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BornToFly02/pseuds/BornToFly02
Summary: Max doesn't understand. His dad's habit... it didn't make sense. So the logical solution, of course, is to turn to his big brother.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Max Lightwood-Bane & Rafael Lightwood-Bane, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: Alec's Numbers [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1737313
Comments: 3
Kudos: 221





	A Life Apart

**Author's Note:**

> Again, serious talk of self-harm, mental health issues, suicidal tendancies, and implication of self-destructive behaviour

Rafael Lightwood-Bane had his own appartment. The trend of living outside the Institute was started by his fathers, as they wanted to live together but, at least at the time, Downworlders weren't super welcome to stay at the Institute. Since then, several people in that generation and younger ones had started picking the same lifestyle. Living in the mundane world and commuting to the Institute.

It was one of his rare days off and he was enjoying the quiet.

Despite the lack of biological relation, Rafe took after his dad in that he was fairly serious, content to stay in the background. Preferring to stay home reading while others went out to bars and parties. Of course, this came back to bite him as someone portaled into his entryway. He sighed and looked around only to shoot to his feet as his little brother stalked into the room, angrily wiping tears away.

"Max? What is it, what's wrong?"

"Can I stay here for a little while Rafa?"

"Of course." Rafael said with a frown at the old nickname.

The blue warlock was almost 18 and was already signed up for college but for the moment, he was still living in their parents' loft. Rafael didn't know why Max wouldn't stay there but his brother didn't look like he wanted to talk about it so he let it be for the moment.

That night, the brothers ordered in and sat together on the couch, watching television, and ignoring the tension that never quite left the younger boy.

When Rafael went to get ready for bed, Max already set up in the guest room, his eyes caught on the whiteboard he kept in his own room. Several years earlier, his Papa had connected all of them so only one would have to be changed for the others to match. Right now, the number was two.

Feeling like he might know what was going on, Rafe sighed. He could talk to his brother about it right away, but decided against it. He'd let Max talk to him when he was ready. After all, it wasn't something that was necessarily easy to talk about.

* * *

"Why does he do it." Max said out of the blue on the sixth day at Rafael's.

The shadowhunter had gotten home from patrol less than twenty minutes before and only had time to shower and change into more comfortable clothes before his brother indirectly announced that he was ready to talk.

"What?"

"Dad. Why does he do it?"

"Well, as awesome and badass as Dad is, he has some issues."

"But why does he hurt himself? There's no reason for it! It doesn't make sense. If you're hurting, you don't add to that."

"Max, do you remember how Aunt Clary reacts to bug bites?"

"Yeah, she hits herself somewhere else to distract from it so she doesn't scratch at it."

"Yes, so Dad does something like that but the bug bites are his negative emotions." Rafael said, with a hint of a smile pulling at his lips.

"This isn't funny Rafe! You don't get it!"

"Alright, what don't I get? If I'm not understanding then tell me. Make me understand."

"Papa and I are immortal. I'm almost to the point where I stop physically aging. It's bad enough that you and Dad are going out, hunting demons almost every day. But now?! It's like he doesn't even care! He doesn't care that when he hurts himself, it's also hurting me! How long until just hurting himself in training isn't enough and he starts throwing himself into danger hoping to take an unnecessary hit?! It feels like he doesn't even want to _try_ to live. It isn't fair."

Max covered his face with his hands, trying to will his tears away. His brother stayed silent beside him until the blue teenager was able to pull himself together enough to look up at the Latino boy.

"Did you know..."

Max groaned.

"Now is not the time for your stupid random facts Rafael!"

"Just listen. Did you know, that Dad has been doing this since he was really little?"

Max frowned, blue eyes gazing up curiously. His heart lurching at the older boy's words.

"What do you mean?"

"Uncle Jace was the first one to find out, just a couple weeks after he first came to live with Grandma and Robert. Dad was ten. And he'd already done it before. I don't know when he started, Dad doesn't really like talking about it but Uncle Jace told me about the first time he saw it."

Max was staring at his brother, completely absorbed in what he was hearing. When their fathers told him about it, he didn't take it well. He was so mad, he left before they could give any real details. Then something occured to him.

"How did you find out? _When_ did you find out?"

Rafael cleared his throat and looked down at his hands.

"It was that year, when I was fifteen and that mission went sideways?"

"Yeah, I remember it."

Of course he did. That had been the first time it really clicked with him what it meant for his brother to be a shadowhunter. That one day his brother would probably go on some mission and not come back.

"Well when I woke up, I found Dad and Papa in the training room with a bloody punching bag. Dad described it as an itch that he gets. He doesn't want to leave us or hurt us in any way. But... I guess you could say that it's almost like an addiction."

"Oh my God." Max breathed. "How did you... deal with it?"

Rafael took a deep breath and wrapped an arm around his brother's shoulders.

"I talked to people. Uncle Jace knows, and Grandma. Aunt Izzy, Aunt Clary, Uncle Simon. All of them already knew and that helped me. Knowing the truth, sometimes it felt like he was miles away. Like he lived apart from life. But they all helped me so that I could help Dad. It's hard for him to deal with it on his own, feeling like he so far and unable to close the distance. Some days we're the only ones keeping him going."

Max tried to subtly wipe tears away even as he leaned into his big brother.

"Uh, Rafa?"

"Yeah, Maxy?"

"I, uh. I think I might... head home tomorrow."

Rafe smiled slightly and pressed a kiss to the top of Max's head, carefully avoiding his horns.

"That sounds good, Blue. How about tomorrow we stop by that little cafe by the loft and bring breakfast over to share?"

"That sounds nice." Max said, sleep creeping into his voice.

"Sounds like a plan. Now I think it's time for bed."

"Noooo." Max complained, even as he let himself be dragged to his feet and led to the guest room.

Rafe chuckled but gently tucked his little brother in. Shadowhunters may be semi-nocturnal due to their jobs but his brother definitely did not share the habit.

* * *

The next day, both brothers went to their childhood home.

Stopping outside the door, Max bit his lip hesitantly.

"You know I texted Papa this morning before we left. They know we're coming over."

"Yeah." Max said in a small voice.

"Hey," Rafe said, putting a hand on his brother's shoulder to make sure he had his attention. "Both of them already figured you wouldn't take it well."

Max looked down but Rafael quickly continued on to cut off whatever guilt was welling up inside the teen.

"You feel so much, Maxy. Stronger than any of us. I'm pretty sure you've got to be one of the least emotionally stunted members of this family. And while that's great, amazing for your mental health, it also means that this information was bound to hit you hard. That's why, no matter how you reacted when they told you, when we go in there you are going to get the same greeting you do after you spend a couple weeks at the villa with your friends."

Max gave a slight nod and a shaky smile before knocking.

Their parents greeted them almost immediately, both giving strong hugs and ruffling hair. Rafael was right.

But hell would freeze over before Max ever admitted that to his brother.

(Not counting the ninth ring of hell as told by Dante's Inferno, which is already cold, as their Aunt Tessa was sure to inform them)

**Author's Note:**

> That last bit with the ninth circle of hell and "Aunt Tessa" was a little tidbit for those who have read the Infernal Devices series by Cassandra Clare


End file.
